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Bangkok Hash House Bikers Established 1992

It's not just mountain bike riding, it's an adventure!

Last Revised: 6 July, 2013

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Venue: Hillside Resort, Hua Hin
Hares: Chris 'Pencil Flasher' B., Gae 'Pencil Pumper'
Scribe: Jay 'Tender Nuts' P

The June hash was held at Hua Hin Hillside Resort nearly inside the city of Hua Hin. Despite being in the city, the hares managed to put together two great rides.

Things seemed a bit out of sorts when we arrived at the hotel to find a large tour group still checking out. Luckily a tasty a-la-carte style lunch was available to give us something to do while waiting for our check-ins which occurred at about 12:30 p.m. – perfect timing for our 1:00 ride off. More than a few members showed up to ride off half-dressed.

After the promise of a brothel trail side, more than one hasher was seen panting up the hill on the on-out trying to be first to get to Valentine’s. Apparently Hua Hin is the place to go for all stray dogs. These were not just any dogs. These were barking, bike-chasing, adrenaline-inducing, rabid, (and dare I say it) KILLER dogs that seemed very interested in checking out my ankles at very close range. Either that, or they were just trying to see which derailleur I was using or which model of SPD pedal I had.

Hares are sometimes forced to improvise for water stops. This month was no exception. We had to endure a fully air-conditioned water stop. For those of you who are unaware, there is a little known chain of bike hash nourishment stops called 7/11. Quite funny to see 100 riders getting out of the unbearable heat outside by taking refuge inside the water stop, all hashers supposedly claiming that they were merely trying to decide which flavor of sport drink to buy – blue or yellow? Damn you, hares, don’t provide indecisive hashers with so much choice next time. They can not handle such decisions. They are usually only capable of decisions like this… “Is it beer? Yes. Good. Drink it.” Anyway, the refuge seekers had to be forced out with an “on-on” call from the hare. The 7/11 looked a bit like an over-sized clown car with 100’s of hashers spilling out, all trying to be first to the next impossible to find check.

On this fine day of excellent views from the hills near Hua Hin, we got to combine a day at the hash with a day at the beach. Luckily the sand was still hard enough to ride on owing to the fact that the tide was out. We are all sure that the hares had consulted their tide tables to make sure that the hash would fall on the auspicious day coinciding with low tide. Speaking of auspicious days, the hash fell on the anniversary of Chris “Pencil Flasher” and Gae “Pencil Pumper”, so Chris had provided a couple of boxes of wine for our dutiful consumption, but more on that later.

We were reminded once again to look before pulling onto the roads by Dave H. who got hit by a motorcycle and landed in its sidecar. Without even slowing down, the motorbike continued on with Dave and his bike all the way back to the hash circle. Talk about being lazy. Willing to put himself in harm’s way just to get a ride back to the hotel. Down-down for you and a new name, Sidecar Slapper.

The circle near the pool got off to a rousing start as visitors and new members were asked, “Who made you come?” which generated the expected snickers and comments from the assembled crowd of middle-school mentality hashers. Hashers, rising to new heights of stupidity (or is it lows?) had given the RAs plenty of fodder for namings. One notable naming (i.e. the only naming that I could remember from Saturday as more beer was consumed in an attempt to re-hydrate) was Sina M. who needed to be told how to use a camelback water pack, “Bite then Suck.” More hijinks ensued during circle culminating in the piss pot of the month award going very decisively to Shit Shoveller for the blisters he had on both of his hands from too much you-know-what. He, of course, denied that and came up with the completely implausible excuse that he had touched his burning hot bicycle handlebars. In his desperate search for an excuse for his hands which he had rubbed into blisterdom, he had gone so far as to drag his bike rack behind his car tilted down so that one handlebar would drag on the ground long enough to make it hot so that he could immediately exit the car and touch said hot handlebars. That is dedication to the story and well-deserving of the piss pot, whichever story is true.

Dinner was a bit less enticing than normal but at least the beers were flowing, and the wine that I previously mentioned. The evening saw such activities as drinking, chatting, dancing, smooching, fighting, and f*cking… no, wait. That was Saturday breakfast… Anyway, back to Saturday night… When the evening was just getting off the ground, the hotel staff enlisted the help of a hasher to tell the rest of the hashers that the restaurant had actually (or should have actually) closed already at around 11:00 p.m. It was at that time, to the best of my recollection, that the final group of assembled hashers decided that the best way to show our appreciation to Chris for providing the wine was to make sure that we finished it all. So, we seriously overstayed our welcome as we worked our way through the rest of the box. We finally drained the last drops of wine from the bag into our glasses. We were proud of our ‘accomplishment’ until we realized that there was still another 5L box that was only half tapped. As appreciative as we were, we could not accept this additional challenge and scurried off to bed, barely able to call ourselves hashers.

Sunday came too quickly for some of us. A true hangover ride was in store for us. We had a distinct sense of déjà vu as we rode off on the same on out (we think the hare was thinking we would be too hungover to notice). There was some consternation when after 6 km we were still on the same track (at which point we started to think that we were mistakenly repeating the 51 km Saturday ride.

The hares pulled out all the stops for this day’s water stop, having it at one of the four “floating” markets near Hua Hin. Usually, water stops are for hashers to TAKE sustenance, but one returning hasher used the feed stop to GIVE sustenance to her child which had been delivered to her breast at feeding time. The rest of the ride saw less accidents than Saturday and ended with a dip in the pool and a few more naming opportunities. Lara K. was named “Crack Licker” after being found licking some white substance off of the crack of her sweaty arm. Vicky vK was named Queen of Cumalot after bragging how often she comes, prompting much envy amongst the assembled females.

Circle was dismissed and we all jumped into our cars and vans for the 5 hour journey back to Bangkok. Traffic, rain, and construction managed to slow our forward progress sufficiently that we were tempted to jump back on our bikes to make quicker progress.

All in all, another great weekend. We are always appreciative when anyone is willing to give of their own time to set the trails for a hash weekend. So, please thank a hare and consider becoming a hare in the future. On On!

Jay 'Tender Nuts' P.