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Ride no.:- 494/495, 24/25 September 2016
Hares:- Ed 'Can't Screw' S, Nigel 'Sticky Tool' F, Roger 'Hot Flashes' E and Bill 'Flasher' S
Location:- Pak Chong, Khaoyai Kirithantip Resort
Scribe:- Meg 'The Grunter' S

A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT

Hand it to a weed wackin’ warren of Hares, last month’s (September) hash event almost got washed away. My ride up to Khao Yai on Saturday morning with Chris "Sack O Shit" O and Frank "Come from Behind" S in a monsoon deluge was either a last hurrah of the rainy season or a miraculous intercession by the Hares to the Weather Gods to tamp down the dusty trails into a dense layer of derailleur-busting sticky red mud.

The story of how this unarchived hash location came to be goes way back, just like the line to pay Hash Cash at 12:50 pm. Not having any existing database of maps except the ones in fellow Hare Nigel "Sticky Tool" F’s brain, Ed "Can’t Screw" S starting exploring trails in the area back in May. They found lots of good trails, rolling hills and dirt road cuts that went up up up, only to end at the top of a hill! Finding the resort was a big accident as they were actually looking for a water stop and came across an accommodation that obviously didn’t flinch about hosting 60 beer-drinking mountain bikers. Clean and comfortable, this place could have been the setting for the Brad Pitt movie "A River Runs Through It."

After finally finding some plausible routes, Ed S, famous for his big tool to fight off horny, I mean thorny vines, got together a group of machete-wielding Hares (Laura "Loose Zipper" E called their group, the "Children of the Corn" as in Stephen King’s horror film). Laura " Needs A Screw" S, Laura E, Bill "Flasher" S and Jean Marc "Papier Derrière" went out to wack away at the dense vegetation in the way of Saturday’s long downhill single track that ended in the mango orchard.

Then the seasonal rains came and all those weeds grew back as tall as a handlebar! Around early September, Ed S and Bill S drove up to Khao Yai to work on the trail, but Bill forgot his gloves. So enroute to find a place to buy some gloves, Ed and Bill ran into Khun Dude with the weed wacker. They paid a few pink notes and K. Dude was able to reclear the downhill corridor a LOT easier than the machete adventure! On one of the last recce days, the Hares ran into a farmer with a big shiny red tractor. Ed was so impressed with this motorized tool that he hopped on for a ride to clear a wider swath through the weeds. See Laura E’s September FB post. Everyone agreed that the tractor was 1000 baht well spent! Hares 3/ Veggies 0.

Saturday, the ominous black clouds and heavy rain cleared to bright skies just in time for about 50 hashers to ride off at 1 pm. Good thing Kirithantip Resort advertises "where you can breath a fresh oxygen" because the warm up of the 35K Saturday ride was a long uphill, somewhat technical double track that got the lungs sucking oxygen. At least for me, a self-confessed vertically challenged hill weenie. The overall elevation however was over 640 m, so that made the beer and tuna taste extra special at the end.

The portion of the trail through Chok Chai Farm (after a long detour on the main road ending in a false trail) saw several riders pacing back and forth looking for paper. The FRB’s found some single strands of paper, but even that ran out. Turns out someone from this private property removed the Hares’ neatly wadded piles. However, a moose like shriek at the front of the pack heralded a confident leader and paper finder. We all followed him for some On On. BTW—Chok Chai security was trolling past us on his motorcycle taking photos of us the whole time we were looking for the paper he picked up!

Turns out the animal sounds were issued by Hasher Mike H who didn’t have a whistle to alert the on on. At the circle, he got to whistle during an icy Hash baptism and earning the sufficiently naughty name, "Stuck Like A Pig."

The biggest uphill challenge was at the 17K mark after the water stop. It was one of those muddy road cut tracks that seemed to double in gradient every 50m! At the top, the farm scenery was lovely but the attack of the sticky mud left everyone around me with Sponge Bob Square Wheels. Forward progress was slow, having to remove clumps of thick red mud rendering front forks and drive trains immovable. The reward was the lovely long downhill stretch through the weeds, past the orchard and through some rubber plantations. The last part of the ride was through some kind of obstacle course wonderland. Some boy scouts must have a ton of fun there.

Back at the circle, the snack table was adequate and the beer was cold. Pim, John DeB’s girlfriend, got called into the circle for coming to the hash without a helmet. She was promptly christened "Unprotected Sex." Hare Bill "Flasher" S’s friend Nat had a close encounter with pig shit but narrowly escaped a smelly name. Hare Jean Marc earned a cup of ice down his back for some paper related crime and named "Papier Derrière." Nigel was nabbed by GM Mint " Eager Beaver" for Piss Pot because he lost Nui "Penis Envy’s" bike. Yep, "he’ll never go to heaven in a long, long way." But…. he could go to the next resort for some "Paradise on Earth." Only in Thailand.

Sunday’s ride was 25K mostly on sealed, gravel or dirt roads. About 30 riders, including several newbies drafted by Hare Bill S. Hill climbs were minimal and the long, gently undulating dirt road through Khao Yai NP was a pleasant ride around puddles.

One closing note, I have to give my friends from Nichada’s Pathum Thani Jakayans a shout out for their record number of attendees equaling 40% of all the Hashers on Saturday. Must have been in support of most of the Hares and Hare helpers being from Nichada.

Next month’s Hash hared by François "Explosive Diarrhoea" G, Mike H and Nigel "Sticky Tool" F is at Muek Lek at Rai Arunwit Resort. Details and directions are posted on the BHHB website. On on to Infinity and Beyond!

Greatfully Submitted,

Meg "The Grunter" S

Jakarta, Indonesia

Page last updated: 12 Oct 2016