Ride no:- 172/173Location:- Siam Country Club, PattayaDate:- 29/30 March 2003Hares:- Walter Stroeder and WolfgangScribe:- Neil BiggadikeExcerpt from the Bogwash Interviews (BH2B all rights reserved)/o:pProgramme segment 10/04/03Slimey Bogwash: Presenting/o:pSlimey Bogwash (SB) : Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Bogwash interviews. Tonight’s interview is with two exceptional guests. Together they single handedly conquered the north face of the Igor, then used a dustbin lid as a sledge to descend some five thousand meters down the twin Coullette’s of the southern slope. Our guests were the first to discover the ancient Montgomery ‘Rites of Passage’ trail, in the back streets of old Bangkok, on foot, with no fewer than 87 porters carrying expensive equipment. While crossing the Pacific Ocean in a tea chest (they are British after all), my guests tonight spent 93 days at sea, developing 2043 different recipes using seawater and seaweed. All they took with them were 1 onion and a donkey called Cyril./o:pLadies and Gentlemen, my guests tonight, Joint Mistress No Meat (NM) and Royal Arse Weed Eater (WE), of the Bangkok Hash House Bikers !!/o:pApplause./o:pMore Applause./o:pThunderous Applause. /o:p/o:pSB: Thank you for coming and welcome to the show.NM: You’re welcome.WE: It’s a pleasure to be here Slimey.SB: These are truly amazing things you’ve achieved in your young lives. You inspire many of us to aspire to greater things. What drives you to do them ?WE: Well, mostly No Meat as I don’t have a driving license. She has also driven me to drink and frequently up the wall as well, heh, heh, just joking (ouch !!)/o:pNM: Yes mate and don’t you forget it !!/o:pSB: Weedy, if I may call you that (WE: of course Slimey), No Meat, could you start us off by recounting one of your most recent adventuresWE: Of course. Weeeeellll, let me see. We recently attended a Bike Hash near Pattaya, a sleepy little village south east of Bangkok. Our adventure begins as we are heading for an overnight refuge recommended by the Hares for the weekend, Wolfie and Walt, a pair of Germanic gentlemen from Germany. As one might expect from the Germans, the directions to our overnight abode were precise. However, actually following the directions proved beyond any doubt, the Germans do have a sense of humour after all. The Siam Country Club, our shelter for the night, proved to be mostly empty of guests. So, when faced with the first of many guests for the weekend, you would be forgiven in thinking that the receptionist would give us a room with a pleasant view. This is Thailand. All the rooms are allocated in advance, and the receptionist wasn’t quite sure how to handle two unhappy guests who wanted to swap their room overlooking the dustbins, to a room overlooking the hilly landscape. It should have been simple to just move a guest who hadn’t yet turned up. Eventually we got there./o:pThis being a Friday night, the busiest night for party animals, No Meat and I had our sequined disco threads with us, ready to dance ‘til dawn./o:pNM: Unfortunately, the restaurant/bar threatened to close at 7:00pm and would only stay open after frequent begging/pleading/threats and then only until 9:00pm. Still those hours were spent in the company of Mr. Hen Pecked and Ms. Pecker Sandwich./o:pWE: Saturday morning dawns – at least one assumes it did, I wouldn’t know anything about that. The sun was out and it was hot, damned hot. Breakfast was shared with No Meat, Ms. Sandwich and Mr. Pecked – and about a million flies !!/o:pAt about 11:00am the car park is turned into a circus, as the Thai parking assistants blow the whistles ineffectually and Bike Hashers park their cars where they like anyway. You can feel the anticipation in the air as these fine athletes prepare for the ride ahead. “Man, my head”, “What do you mean, you’ve forgotten my wheel” and “wow, Wee Wee Woofter must have some extra socks down there”, snippets of conversation as one strolls around the group or patiently waits in line for the bike doctor to perform his miracles./o:pSB: So this is a pretty elite group ??/o:pWE: As one surveys the group and notices those who suffer from hangovers, I would say not that they’re an elite group as such./o:pSB: What of the Hares at this point ? What is their agenda ?WE: Of course different Hares have different priorities. We were warned that there would be pineapple fields and maybe a little sand. Back at the resort, the co-Hare, Walter turns up with a smirk on his face. His face says, hah ! you won’t be so clever soon. By the time Wolfie has finished with you, you’ll wish you had stayed in bed !! This as the rain starts./o:pSB: The rain ? Isn’t it the responsibility of the Religious Advisor to make sure it doesn’t rain ?NM: Only if he’s up to the job.WE: Indeed it is. Though I do in fact have a divine connection, the collective sins of the Bike Hash somewhat negate it. It comes down to leadership really. The Grand Master, Mantlepiece Turgoose, unfortunately leads by example. He is said to be debauched, having 67 children now. With a leader such as this, is it any wonder the rain was torrential ??/o:pSB: I hear what you’re saying. But what about the ride itself ?WE: Slimey, I don’t know whether you’ve heard of the new film ‘Gangs of the Bike Hash’, starring Leonardo de Vinci and Danni Minogue. The film was based on a true story about BHHB. The biggest and by far the most powerful gang is the Santa Cruz gang, led by leader Knickerless Carter (played by Danni Minogue, not Leonardo). The Santa Cruz’s dominate the riding pack with the best riders of course. There are some other gang wannerbees, such as the Specialized people and the Cannondale Cliché, though for sheer volume of numbers, none of them are in the same league as the Santa Cruz’s. The pack left the resort and sprinted down a hill and onto a dirt track. This bit was fast. The rain had stopped (taking all my powers). There wasn’t any Marty. Bushman wasn’t here and Wolfie and Walter were the Hares. That meant that Jock and Nigel were in the driving seat at the vanguard of the pack. At the first check, I go off the most likely way, in order to get in front of everyone else. After cycling alone for a while, I looked back to find no one in sight. I hadn’t heard anything, so assumed that everyone was still at the check – hah suckers ! Hang on a minute though, I’ve not seen any paper. Damn ! Slimey, I had to return to the check only to find everyone had disappeared. I was suddenly very lonely but for a scabby dog called Eric that came out of nowhere to half-heartedly bark at me. Thank you lord for the rain. The wet ground, combined with my superb tracking skills (see my book, No Meat & Weed Eater in the Pu Ding Basin) allowed me, after much effort, to finally catch up with the pack./o:pSB: You must be very, very strong to been able to catch them at all.WE: Modesty of course forbids that I should reply to that comment Slimey (chuckles), but of course you’re right. It helped to find that the Hares had imported thousands of tones of sticky sand to lay on the trail. Trying to cycle through wet sand up to the wheel hubs is no mean feat. More than once I found myself uttering less than gentlemanly curses directed towards the Hares./o:pThe ride was however varied. There hills to challenge. After fighting my way up a hill through the pack (only going past people because I couldn’t get a ‘granny’ gear), those devilish FRB’s rode past the grinning Wolfie and on to a False Trail./o:pSB: Devilish FRB’s ?WE: Yes Slimey. Having found the false trail, the Front Riding Bastards Nigel and Jock (with accomplices), waited out of sight until half the pack had done the same FT. Anyway, on back down the trail past the maniacally grinning Wolfie – pleased with his subterfuge and past those souls not on Santa Cruz bikes still struggling up the hill. The next section saw one faller, Nigel (Cannondale Cliché) takes to the air executing 2 somersaults with twist and half pike. It would have been impressive Slimey, if only he’d overcome gravity for a few seconds more./o:pSB: He has a history of falling off his bike hasn’t he ?WE: Yes Slimey, he does, but then he rides with the Cannondales./o:p/o:pAudience laughs./o:p/o:pWE: Anyway, at the bottom of the hill, we turn off the main track and onto an overgrown path, which gradually gets smaller and ends on the bank of a fast flowing stream. The trail goes left upstream and stops at a torrent of cascading water. The waterfall is about 5m high and a cool relief after cycling in the sun.SB: And the rest of Saturday’s ride ?WE: The Hares took us over more hills, around more pineapple fields and through a lot more sand. It was a beautiful ride of about 35km, and I was knackered after it./o:pNM: In the absence of the Grand Master (away making more babies I expect), I took over the circle in the swimming pool. Various sinners were punished, not least the Hares for a) giving less than accurate ride directions (they may never return to Germany for that alone) and b) For Co-Hare Walter not knowing that his wife’s real name is Petra and not Tanya !/o:pSB: It sounds like quite a climax to the day.WE: Yes indeed Slimey. Though it wasn’t over yet as the Hares had arranged a sumptuous feast for those riders with enough energy to carry on.SB: And that’s the end of the affair ??WE: I’m not having an affair, it’s just a evil rumour spread about by rival Bike Hash Gangs !! Oh, you mean the weekend ?SB: Yes. But now you mention it, what about the rumours ?WE: Well about Sunday. l The sun was well up by the time my hangover had subsided enough for me to get breakfast. The party the night before had gone on next to the pool until quite late all things considered./o:pThe Hare was out laying the trail and the queue for the Bike Doctor was already long. No one had bothered to clean my bike which was a little exasperating. As promised, the Hares had laid on more sand to slow us down. At one point Wolfie joined the pack, though he swiftly became absent as the trail took across raging rapids, the riders having to manhandle their finely machines through the bush. Boy oh Boy, Slimey, I confess to demanding all sorts of cruel long lasting punishments for the Hares responsible for putting through that Hell./o:p/o:pAudience gasps!!/o:p/o:pSB: It was really that bad ? Wasn’t this ride advertised as a hangover ride ? I thought such rides were meant to a gentle cruise down country lanes, taking about an hour or so.WE: You might be forgiven for thinking that, I myself had so thought when I started the ride. Unfortunately the Hares decided differently. It was a great ride though, even though I was tired after it. We didn’t stay for the circle this time. I feared a lynching following the rain episode on Saturday. The natives were restless and only copious quantities of alcohol would quell them./o:pSB: And that’s the end ?WE: Yes, a great weekend that we thank Wolfie and Walter for. Also we those who really look after us in the background, the wives. Well Done ladies./o:p/o:pMore applause from the audience./o:p/o:pSB: A fascinating adventure. So, what’s next ?WE: We’re planning to trek through the dense matted jungles of Pubis Pubis/o:pNM: Then maybe ride the Sclappentikhul river rapids of Venezuela./o:pSB: Ladies and Gentlemen, there you have it. Time has run out and all that’s left for me say is thank to our guests, No Meat and Weed Eater./o:pThunderous applause/o:pMore thunderous applause./o:p/o:pSB: Next week on the Bogwash Interviews we welcome Dodgy Nbochett, multi-millionaire building magnate.Until then, thank you all and good night.