Rides:- 179/180Date:- 26/27 July 2003Location:- Khao Yai Juldis ResortHares:- Will & Karen and Peter & PornScribe:- SamWell, as my co hare Jason "Hen Pecked" is off playing in Pam's Himalayas (and I haven't heard a dickie bird in 2 weeks, so those Himalayas must have taken his breath away!) I am mustering up some hash highlights and inspiration "khon diohw"...With Jason being away I was keen to save some bahts and get a room share, which raised an interesting concept.... especially as we have a lot of new hashers keen to make some new hash friends who are also looking for room shares..... hmmm inspiration dawning...In fact we could start a whole new booking system - indicating if M/F room share preferred for the following:-1) attached2) attached but willing to swap3) attached but eager to swap4) unattached and available5) unattached and unavailable6) attached and eager so someone please look after the children ...Peter and Ken can test this system out on their Sept hash..... anyway back to the...JULY 2003 BIKE HASH - Khao YaiThe Saturday Hash: 45kmFor those of you who were on Will "Wee Wee Woofer" and Adam's hash last year you might remember that it was a gorgeous sunny morning, during which time some of us were frolicking in the lake on ant infested kayaks and peddlos at Corporate House........ after a night when Agent Orange and Hen Pecked discussed numerous ways to deflect the taxman whilst consuming FAR too much whiskey, which meant they were doing a hangover ride a day early!But you will almost definitely remember that the heavens opened during the pre ride briefing so the hash took shelter and huddled together to keep warm and avoid the high winds and rain whooshing around in the open..... secretly anxious not to get our clean, fresh cycling gear totally soaked within the first 5 seconds of the ride of course. But the rain was not letting up so we all piled out into the elements for a good drenching.... ohh and did someone already mention that a big tree had fallen down across the trail so we all had to crawl under it and pull our bikes through on their sides? Apparently Will and Adam DID find an alternative route around the tree... but neglected to drop enough paper to make the deviation obvious so the hashers took the more challenging route.... no doubt Marty or Bald Eagle got there first, missed the paper and made the whole hash crawl under a tree! Cheers guys.So when Will (hash piss) and Karen "volunteered" to be Saturday hares.... errm after hash piss was so pissed that he couldn't actually drive to a certain hash ...thus no one got even slightly pissed that day (apart from maybe ... pissed off!) ... we should have expected that something spectacular and memorable was about to happen........ and it did.....Saturday morning was glorious and I enjoyed a private karaoke session in the car during the sunny, DRY drive up to Khao Yai. Will and Karen returned back to the Juldis Hotel after laying the trail looking decidedly healthy and pleased for themselves.... hmmm what had they got in store for us I wonder? Will warned us about a golf course security man being a bit reluctant to let him through, but said he wouldn't dare to stop all of us and that we should just barge past him and follow the trail. So the eager hash set off in anticipation of another exciting ride into the unknown to boldly go where Will and Karen had gone before....After hmmm a good kilometre we hit our first "obstacle" ... a river... ohh no worries for us experienced hashers we're used to getting wet! Just pick your bike up and get on in there... yep keep going its getting deeper... and deeper... and right up to your chest. Shit! Shit! ...my mobile phone was in the bottom of my Camelback so I contorted myself into one of Annie's yoga positions (well it felt like it due to my complete inflexible body...) holding the bike up with one arm and the other arm twisted behind me to push the Camelback up my back to try to rescue my drowning mobile phone. But the fun was just beginning.... the heavens opened and we still had to navigate across a ploughed, sticky, muddy field... which apparently had a trail running through it just last week before the farmer thought... hah! I'll shaft those cocky farangs.. I'll plough it just before it rains so that it takes a frigging hour to get through it. It really did put a stop to fast progress and the innovative hashers tried every means of carrying, wheeling, dragging their steeds through the sludge and over the sticky mud boulders. We were briefed that "the trails are mostly off-road on very fast dirt roads & trails" - huh... those hares are in for a down down when we get home. Some hashers stuck to the gullies around the edge of the field whilst others tried the crow flies approach straight across the middle. Vision hashers in the pouring rain strewn across in all directions battling against the elements.... I tried pushing until my wheels were coated in so much mud that they had tripled in size... thus carrying the bike in its current state was out of the question too, unless I had suddenly developed Arnie Schwartsenegger muscles. Thus it was time to get my hands dirty and get on in there and scrape off the mud cloaked tyres, so that I could carry my bike. It was still raining which was a blessing because it washed the mud off of my hands. I carried, dragged, scraped, dragged, scraped, wheeled, scraped and wheeled the bike (I think you get the picture) through the remainder of the field and still have the bruises on my arm and thigh to show for it! People in the office now think that I'm a victim of domestic violence and some are confused about what I've been getting up to as Jas is away in India, so I've been the source of a fair amount of office gossip no doubt. Thankfully we emerged onto a proper path and that was the last time a small group of us would see the rest of the pack until dinner. One good thing about being near the back is that everyone else has already flattened the vegetation to get through so its a good way to preserve energy! In fairness to Will and Karen we now had the pleasure of "mostly off-road, very fast dirt roads & trails".We reached to golf course ... after the gardener had already sent me on a phantom paper chase along the paperless road until we back-tracked and found the paper going into the back entrance past the security man who was a "bit reluctant" to let us through. After trying the nice and smiley approach and being told to turn around and go away, we apologised and the four of us went in anyway. Quicker than you could say "spotted dick" the security man was on his walkie talkie and mustered up a JCB digger at the end of the track blocking our path in one direction. We cycled off in the opposite direction to the JCB digger down the other path, over a wooden bridge and started circling the lake. Nope... the other direction must be correct so about turn and head back towards the JCB. Behind us we could hear another vehicle in hot pursuit rounding us up... so we started retracing our tracks. A third vehicle was also blocking our path and the Thai "heavy mob" were stood in front of their vehicles pointing and telling us to leave.... guiding us out - the way that we had just come in. These guys meant business so I wasn't going to quarrel for fear of being thrown in the lake wearing concrete boots! Back on the paperless road again...thank goodness for GPS to get out of some sticky situations... shame it couldn't beam the bad guys away or freeze them or stun them! Luckily the hares were driving down the road to we got some emergency directions to the drinks stop which was just up the road.After some refreshments it was ON ON again, up and down, round and round.... through the riding stables and a field of gormless cows wondering what on earth we were doing. Then through the long grass, bushes and thorns which scratched past my arms - just to add to the domestic violence gossip! I cannot name any names but evidence (large patches of flattened vegetation) showed that their must have been a few tumbles along the way. By the way its still raining at this point too... well its Will's hash so we can't expect anything else! Followed some more good trails through the woods and the jungle. Still raining. Followed trails until we hit the road and even though it was still raining we thought that we were home and dry..... hmm I spoke too soon... sssss... I got a flat - pesky inner tubes. After changing it myself in the rain (J will be proud!).... we carried on towards our quest for the finish and some sandwiches, crisps and carbonated drinks. The road went on and on and on and darkness was approaching... whoops that's just because I had my sunglasses on still! Blond moment of fatigue!! Luckily we managed to skip the weir and went straight ON IN via the road. Thankfully, Tim was still around when we got back so she provided us with some well earned bread and processed cheese ....which tasted heavenly.... I must have been hungry.Dinner was outside in a pleasant setting by the lake. Before anyone could sidle off to bed Will and Karen got out their whoppers and whistles....!.... fireworks. After a few baby ones which popped and whooshed, the big ones commenced....whhhhooooosssshhhh............bang........pop, crackle, pop, crackle, crackle much to the delight of the on looking hashers stood on a wooden jetty. Then a Lord of the Rings fiery dragon special swooped horizontally straight over our heads and into the bush behind us, so some of us have now got "go faster" bald stripes across our heads ready for Sunday's ride. Remember SAFETY FIRST in Thailand!Tired after lugging the bikes through THAT field, we social butterflies still had high spirits so Karen and Will persuaded us to go to the cottage pub to witness some Thais doing country music and a rather good Thai singing Elvis. Please note that Peter and Porn (with Will's help) are setting Sunday's ride so Karen said "I'll be riding with you all tomorrow".If Will's last hash will be remembered for years as the hash with a big tree for us to crawl under then this year's hash will be remembered for the muddy ploughed field we had to sludge through in the pissing rain.The Sunday Hash: 30kmIn contrast to Saturday...eureka - no rain. Sunshine. Started off with some tarmac as opposed to sticky mud. The Mission Hills golf course security guard smiled and said hello as opposed to sending JCBs and the heavy mob after us. Through the golf course the road ascended up, up and even further up! Got to a junction with multiple options and realised that you FRBs (Front Running Bastards) are not solving the checks! Luckily Will arrived in that shirt which has a bad case of the measles all over it..... and helped to send us swiftly along the correct trail. Then justice was revealed because the next set of trails had dried out since Will & Peter had carried their bikes whilst laying the trail this morning - "som num na" I say after the field yesterday!Still not a drop of rain. Glorious sunshine and blue skies.Hmmm then I realise no Karen."Is Karen up front somewhere Will?" I ask."No, she's ...still in bed"."Still in bed ...after making us all stay up late and go to the pub".Well that definitely deserves a down at next months hash (due to a Joint Spoke decision NOT to have a circle at the end of Sunday's ride).We entered a picturesque valley with mountains and limestone cliffs on both sides. Now this is why I come hashing. Up, up, up along the red trail through the village. Up, up and up to the road... which way? GPS indicates we need to go left. So off we go. Whoops skipped a loop. Found some paper and followed it backwards and ended up at the drinks stop first. Marty and Bald Eagle roll up.. "How did you get here first?" they ask. "Hmmm didn't you see us zoom past at warp speed?"Still sunshine and no rain.The hashers regroup and hit the road for a few kms before we turn off onto a shale trail which saps all the energy left in those legs... due to friction and water. Up and down, along through the trees and we are on our way back towards the hotel.Great rides guys..... well done.Just remind me to bring my raincoat, plastic bags for my valuables and body armour next time Will "Wee Wee Woofer"s name appears on the hares list.Scribe: Sam "Pecker Sandwich"A few notes from our JUNE Hash as no bugger has written it up!! Can we nominate someone else?Only one man turned back due to injury - with a cut finger which made him feel quite squeamish so I donned a little nurses outfit and jumped out of the car to tend to his finger! Although we had some interesting alternative routes set (by blobs of shredded paper dotted Hansel and Gretel style) by some cheeky Thai boys who found a bag of shredded paper that I'd strategically hidden in a bush!!! (lesson learnt!) and set a new trail just to totally confuse the pack... and possibly the army had added to the fun as they were on training practise in camouflage gear whilst we were laying paper on the Saturday morning!! I think a farang woman in lycra on a mountain bike at 8am was a bit surprising for some of them...... J was quite disappointed that none of them asked him for his name or gave him big beaming smiles!Ohh and another lady took a drink from her water bottle and looked down to see a snake crossing her path, panicked fell off her bike and ON TOP OF the snake, panicked again as she thought that it might bite her but the snake was obviously panicked at being wrestled by a foreign woman and it slide off quick smart into the woods.