Rides:- 216/217Date:- 26/27 March 2005Hua HinHares:- Will Moore and Richard HarperScribe:- Chris “Pencil-Flasher” ByrdSaturday’s Ride:This had to be the “Shittiest Ride” in Hash History!  I felt like an elephant proctologist as I dodged the giant boulders of yesterday’s meals.  That’s enough about feces from another species.  I’ll start again:The day was like any other hot sunny day in Thailand as we gathered under the blistering sun to start the ride.  Apparently the Hares overstayed the pubs of Hua Hin on Friday night, as they were not finished laying the trail in time to be back for the ride off.  Fortunately, Will’s “better half” took control and did her best to misguide us into the hot desert sand.But wait, something drastic just happened.  Perhaps the Beer Gods feared that the hot sun might dehydrate us to the point of not being able to CONSUME MASS QUANTITIES after the ride because just before the ride started a big beautiful cloud came over us and brought some cools winds along with it.  What seemed like it was going to be a HOT and THIRSTY bike ride soon changed into a cool spring ride through the hills of Hua Hin.  It was a great ride with just enough sand to raise the level of difficulty and keep it interesting.  We were directed up what seemed to be the side of a mountain, as we had to carry our bikes most of the way.  Then we came upon the Excrement Camp – I mean Elephant Camp which made for some great photos just before the water stop.  Sure there were lots of flat tires due to the numerous briar patches they looped us through, but isn’t that part of the fun?Why is it that the women here in Thailand (not necessarily Thai) often make life a little more interesting than in other parts of the world?  It seems that Sue invited some locals (Red Ants) to have a little feeding frenzy in her pants.  When I first heard of it I thought they said she was being bitten from “Down Under” and thought that the Australian visitor got his Hash Name very quickly – even before joining.   “Nice moves on the Strip-Tease by the way, I have yet to see moves like that in Cowboy or Nana.”  Apparently they weren’t only invading her pants, because on Sunday’s ride she revealed that one or more of them must have gnarled off one of her nipples.  Those little guys sure can bite!Moving along, everyone seemed to enjoy the ride and the weather was simply incredible.  We returned to The Grand for the Circle to find that there was only Heineken being served in the way of beer.  While this brought pleasure to most, a few (OK, may be only me) were very disappointed that there were no tasty Beer Chang to get the evening started with.  In fact, after choking down a few Heineken I didn’t even have the B.A.C. to carry on into town for more suds and silliness.  Sure my girlfriend was happy, but what about my image?!?!?  The buffet was awesome by the way, but who can think about food at a time of BEER TRAGEDY!  I guess I can’t complain too much, at least I didn’t have to drink Heineken out of my shoe like Mike had to.  Awfully nice of Meow to point out that his shoes were new.  His beer-drinking-from-shoe performance was only slightly outperformed by his “pencil display” in blue shorts – now I know why most bikers wear black shorts.Sunday’s Ride:After a good night’s sleep I woke up early Sunday morning – BORING!!!  It seemed that a few others didn’t make it home so early.  As I sat having breakfast across from a lovely woman expecting TWINS soon, I found out that one of the hashes newest members didn’t make it home until 5:30 AM (maybe Trond was still on Norway time).  There were quite a few others who had a lame excuse for not riding too, but there were still plenty of dedicated ones to battle the now blistering sun (really, I have blisters) and normal extreme heat of Thailand.Our first dilemma was trying to find our way as the Hung-over-Hares had laid paper on the right side while directing us into oncoming traffic.  Shortly thereafter we came to a check at the top of a breath-taking hill (as most were winded).  As we tried to discover the direction in which they intended to lead us, I chose the most unlikely path of walking over enough quartz to supply Seiko Watches for 100 years and then making my way to a path up the hill.  Upon reaching the top of the hill and looking over without seeing paper, I simply returned to search in other directions.  Well, it ends up that I didn’t check far enough because that was the correct path after all and I should have been prosecuted for my mistake.   We continued on through Wats and farms and the occasional barking dogs. Today’s ride was a bit more difficult at times with some deeper and lengthy sand pits to slow us down.  We arrived at the water stop with some of us just shy of complete dehydration.  I then received a call from another new member “Jochen” who requested help in getting back to the hotel.  It seems his bike tire just doesn’t want to corporate even after replacing (3) new tubes.  It was Super-Hare to the rescue with his spacious truck and delivery capabilities.  Speaking of delivery, did anybody get the number of the motorcycle guy who delivered cold beer to one of the hashers during the ride?  Well done!  I know that #1112 is for the Pizza Company, but who can think about food at a time of BEER TRAGEDY!After the water stop we were directed to the beach to enjoy a nice hard-packed beach to ride back to the hotel on.  There were lots of people kite-surfing, horseback riding, swimming, and even a few farang women sunbathing topless – at least that is what I heard.  We had a brief but entertaining Circle before packing up and heading home.  All sanity was restored with the Beer Chang they bought for the Sunday Hash.Cheers,“Pencil-Flasher”