Ride# 625/626
AGM 2023 Jan 21/22
Location: Leaves Valley Resort, Phetchaburi
Hares: John 'SS' M, Richard 'Right Arsehole' F, Sara 'Likes it Rough' M, and Pleum 'Aural Sex',
Jake M
Scribe: Straker ‘Dog Food’ C
Nestled in the North of Phetchaburi between ‘who knows where’ and ‘where in the hell’, the
AGM took place at the Leaves Valley Resort. For those that had no idea why this place is called
‘Leaves Valley’, they certainly learned on the Day 1 ride as they struggled to keep their front
wheel from sliding around on top of slippery ass leaves covering jagged rock, hidden ruts in the
trail, and treacherous tree roots.
Many hashers arrived on Friday to take advantage of, friday night trash talk (ie, hello), DJ
Conjiggy Playlist setup, etc. and a leisurely morning with a beautiful sunrise over the
half-completed resting Buddha, that has been resting for several AGMs. Relaxing in the cool
morning enjoying a luxurious breakfast and amazing subpar coffee. But experienced hashers
know the hash coffee situation well and many could be seen with French press and beans in
tow. As the day progressed, the café became a buzz with excitement. What would today’s trails
have in store? Who will be the next GM? What kind of prizes will be at the AGM? Will we get
the chance to throw cans into the circle at ‘Sack of shit?’. Will ‘Ass Floater’ reveal all (again)?
Lots of anticipation….
Hash Cash and Hash Cash Bitch held court at the front while Lakhdeep ‘Hairy Ball Maker’ and
Griselda ‘Esmerelda’ hawked the new jerseys. There is no escaping the gauntlet of these
dedicated hashers!
As Richard ‘Right Arsehole’ gave the briefing, he casually mentioned ‘a gentle push’ as part of
the FRB loop. We should have known something wasn’t right as a child began to cry right at
that very moment. An ominous sign acknowledged by hashers worldwide.
The ride started off gentle enough with the usual exit out of the resort and down into the trails
and into lovely rolling pineapple fields. The trail was very well marked with plenty of paper and
the Checks were well timed to keep the FRBs from getting too far ahead of the young eager
Frenchies.
Richard ‘Right Arsehole’ certainly lived up to his hash name as he took the more adventurous
hashers straight up a 30% grade for a 3 kilometer hike straight into hell in what he called ‘a
gentle 15 minute push’. All of this under the dubious guise of an ‘FRB loop’. 45 minutes later,
out of breath, calves burning, and bug bitten, the first riders (aka walkers) emerged victorious,
exhausted, and looking for booze water. Surprisingly, Tintin ’Ass Floater’ was nimble on his feet
and managed to scramble up the mountain in record time, completely forgetting that his wife
was alone pushing a 150kg E-bike up a 38% grade. As hashers arrived at the peak – with a
bag of chips in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other he asked ‘Has anyone seen my
wife?’. Needless to say Mui ‘Tool Trasher’ was not impressed. I tell you who was impressed
through – this Scribe. The number of tough hashers older than me who put ‘young’ guys (like
me) to shame was amazing. Lifting their bikes over their head and straight carrying the bike like
a sherpa heading up Everest for the 57th time. Hats off to you seasoned hashers! Equally
impressive was perhaps the youngest ever hare Jake M (13 Years old) - a very capable hasher
who will no doubt be doing wheelies on FRB loops soon if he isn’t already.
The view was stunning and a reasonable reward for such a miserable hike up. While the hike
up was tough, surely the ride down would be enjoyable? Afterall, it’s all downhill from here
right? Absolutely, if your idea of a good time is flying down a 44% grade on the side of a cliff on
a trail only millimeters wider than your tire only to be greeted on your fall with razor sharp rocks
and a steep cliff. Even Tom ‘Mother Trucker’ was like – NOPE! Yea, most people walked that
section. Oh and then there was another short but even steeper push. I believe my Garmin
clocked that at a 65.3% grade. It’s like Trail running, only with a bike….that you can’t ride….but
have to push. Ok, enough whining….
After the FRB loop returned to a more civil trail, it was a nice rolling up and down back to the
resort. Just before the finish line, hashers were greeted with a cocktail stop - an annual fixture.
For those that took on the FRB loop, the cocktails were running low due to ‘Pussy Virus’ holding
court and taking 14 margarita shots. Fortunately the hares were kind enough to save 2 pieces
of salami and one piece of cheese for the FRB stragglers so that they did not feel left out. The
overall trail and terrain was actually amazing and very enjoyable – so thank you hares!
As the circle formed and the RAs roasted folks on the ride, there were 3 hashers that received
their new hash names including Johan ‘Doggie Style’, Mick ‘Tiny Prick’ and Greg ‘Sole in the
Hole’. Many worthy nominations for Asshole of the Month were made, including French
Speakers who thought a ‘shock pump’ was a short pump and were offended when their short
pumps were rejected, but the honor went to Lakhdeep ‘Hairy Ball Maker’ for flashing fellow
hasher Viney ‘Froggy Style’ H at dawn from his balcony. As we all know - nudity is acceptable
to the French but not the Indians!
During dinner Wolfgang ‘Shitty Bang Bang’ was recognized for reaching a truly inspirational
milestone - 300 RIDES! His ass must be lederhosen by now! Well done! After dinner, the
mismanagement committee did their best to completely botch the raffle and the roll out of the
new committee but failed miserably and pulled off quite a good show. Between having the old
committee struggle to deliver 3 cohesive dances as a team, giving away prizes in an efficient
manner (except to Neil ‘Weedeater’ who stole 3 bottles of wine under the watchful eye of the
emcees) and preparing theme music for each new committee position, they really showed that
they lack the necessary mismanagement the hash needs to barely continue onwards. Our faith
lies in the new mismanagement committee to really screw things up. I’m sure under the
leadership of incoming GM Lakhdeep ‘Hairy Ball maker’ B., all of our dreams will be shattered
properly. Perhaps the highlight of the evening was ‘Esmerelda’ winning a box of sex toys and
proceeding to take it out of the box while dancing suggestively to ‘The stripper’ soundtrack as
her young son looked on. I think half the hash fell out of their chairs and were rolling on the
floor in laughter.
The night was capped off with a half-assed DJ (me) playing dance music to 20-30 dedicated
revelers until the hotel shut him down at 12:30am. The revelers continued until ‘only god knows
when’, though the floating ass never revealed itself!. With that said, most were awake and
ready to ride-off the next morning.
Speaking of the next morning, Sunday’s Hangover Ride was largely friendly with only a couple
of gnarly spots that were probably rideable and totally walkable. The flowy sections just before
and after the water stop were simply amazing. Of course – while in nature you want to enjoy
the sounds of nature such as ‘Likes it rough’ yelling at the Frenchies ‘Go Faster, Go Faster’ –
‘Move out of the way’, ‘What the hell are you doing?!!!!’ – you know proper sounds of nature.
One of the crowd favorite features of the Sunday ride was the razor-sharp thorns that leave
‘scars of love making’ all over your arms and legs. Afterall, if you aren’t bleeding – did you
really go mountain biking? The invisible electrified fences were also a popular attraction as
‘Pencil Flasher’ and Mick ‘Tiny Prick’ failed to heed the warning of others and said ‘fuck it – how
strong can the electrical fence actually be?’ Spoiler alert – it left a nasty mark. But then again,
you go into work Monday morning looking badass with all the scratches on your arms and legs,
sunburned skin, bandaged face, and a mild limp. Your friends and colleagues are thinking –
‘wow, they had one hell of a weekend!’
At the circle, Pleum ‘ Aural Sex’ was awarded a 100 RIDE shirt and Hash Moosik duly noted
that was more rides than her husband John ‘Sperm Sample’ M had ever had! Tintin ‘Ass
Floater’ was properly recognized as Ass of the month for not helping Mui ‘Tool Trasher’ on the
push, Annelie (‘Shorter is Better’) and Straker (‘Dog Food’) received their hash names, and
there was plenty of confusion and misdirection given about the Out-hash in Chiang Mai as well
as the Feb, not Feb but now March, but not March Hash being planned by the highly
experienced outgoing Trailmaster Andrew ‘Hairless Balls’... not to mention some non-riding
visitors who thought the food was free! Tell the French, it's not 1789 anymore…Freedom, I
mean Spanish salami, isn’t Free!
All in all, it was a wonderful two days of riding, ribbing, drinking, dancing, salami eating, electric
fence hopping, hill climbing, back checking, falling, getting up, falling again, and laughing. As I
took lots of candid photos of hashers while I was riding, it’s striking to see how everyone just
naturally has a smile on their face. It’s great to see people of all ages, all backgrounds, many
nationalities, and dubious backstories come together to enjoy this one thing we all simply refer
to as ‘The Hash’.
On On