Venue: near Khao Mai Kaeo, ChonburiHares: Koen 'Shit Shoveler' Van K, Momo 'Moo Shit' and JeebScribe: Mr BeanTales from the RearNot being a FRB I tend to spend the majority of the bike hashes looking at/admiring/avoiding other peoples bottoms and this hash was no exception. In addition I realize, I feel I have been permanently scarred as I no longer recognize hashers names or faces but can only by their rear ends so apologies in advance for the lack of names and amount of bottom anecdotes, however as this hash was sponsored by an ass cream I guess you can’t expect much else…Anyway as ever we all met and geared up at the resort on the fine Saturday afternoon.It promised to be a smooth and comfortable ride as the hashers bottoms were kindly sponsored by smooth ass silk cycling cream – although the dispensing of 2 free sachets of cream at the start of the ride left many in confusion and bewilderment – so to clarify once and for all for all he hapless hashers that hadn’t quite understood – yes you put it on BEFORE you ride, yes you put it on your bum, no it is not a sun cream!So well lubed off we all rode/slid off. The Hares promised a 42 km ride with plenty of single track riding and only 9 km to the first water stop – hurrah!!!The first stretch of the ride took us through the usual mix of open plantations, tracks and a dose or two of sand just to remind us we were close to Pattaya. Happily the first water stop was not too far away and the very thoughtful hares had provided fruit snacks as well as the water and other refreshments.The second part of the trail was optional a 22 km FRB loop or a more gentile 6km trail for the not so FRB. I, not being an FRB, obviously opted for the 22 km route so from here on in readers I have no idea what happened to the rest of the pack as I spent the whole ride on my own bringing up the rear (here we go…).The trail was on beautiful single track undulating through the forest. The tree cover ensured that the ride was relatively cool and although there were plenty of climbs and technical descents there were no killer hills – It was fantastic! The 22 km was rolling by and it was great fun jumping roots and rocks and avoiding low hanging branches (not always successfully I have to say – so glad I was wearing a cycle helmet). Having said that it was not without its challenges and there were several tumbles – one virgin rider had a close encounter with a rock and bottom and nose collided with dirt track – welcome to the bike hash!I also got the opportunity to taste the dirt myself when I got a branch caught in my wheel and went a**over tit over the handlebars.I eventually met up with some more hashers at the second water stop (yes there was another water stop – thank you hares) and got the low-down. I found that their experience similar to mine including some alarming head bangs on tree trunks which I can only presume disrupted the local wildlife – so wasp stings seemed to be another feature (especially “sticky trousers” who managed somehow to be stung on the rear – not sure that the “smooth ass silk” helped much but those are the hazards of sticky trousers I guess).After the second water stop there was a small hill on asphalt and then back to the single tracks roller coaster again – hurrah! Normally by this time on the hash I am gasping for water and dreaming of beer and tuna sandwiches but the combination of plenty of water stops and tree cover I felt I could go on for ever. So much so that even as the third water stop approached I managed to miss the signs and just carried on following paper …yes you guessed I was doing the 22 km loop again kind of worrying as:I had no idea that I had done it before (hey don’t all single tracks through forest look the same).I still fell for every check!Fortunately some kindly hasher had spotted my mistake and sent a motorcycle search party after me. I was eventually found and after a small debate (as much as one can debate when ones Thai is limited to sawasdee ka and his English was non existent) he managed to persuade me that I was going the wrong way despite my confident insistence that I was on paper and doing very well than you very much.I reluctantly followed him back and became convinced only when I saw other hashers, including the hasher that had raised the search party (whoever you are thank you so much as I would have probable never made it back) who pointed out that actually the third water stop was only 100 m away!!!The final run home was pretty straightforward however at this point I still went wrong several times and was chased by dogs and small children as I entered their homes…Eventually made it back and the circle was drawing to an end I can only assume that the nibbles were good (although heard rumours of lack of cheese!) and the circle had its usual charges. Piss pot of the week went unanimously to metrosexual man for overgrooming and a new hash name for ”grunter” for well grunting I suppose. Sunday's ride was a shorter affair of 25 km. Apparently some FRBS from Saturdays ride had complained about lack of challenging checks so the dutiful hares obliged. As we cycled through open plantations, sand quarries (so that is where all the sand is coming from) and searing heat the hares had set up a set of fiendishly cunning checks and false trails at one point 2 false trails of a check to really challenge the FRBS (I of course felt that a strategic viewpoint was needed and observed the running around from the cover of the only tree in the area). Other checks although not as challenging caused me problems more by lack of whistling (whistles available at hash cash 20 baht or 40 baht …hint, hint everyone). And then there was the sand – boy was there sand – at points this felt like we were riding through the Sahara – bikers were tumbling left right and centre as they tried to plough their way through!As if this was not the only challenge there were also strategically placed cows at checkpoints – although they looked friendly enough (so friendly that one hasher allegedly tried to strike up conversation with his new found bovine friend) not all found the experience quite so pleasant and one poor hasher was chased off their bike by a particularly militant creature who thought her bottom would make great target practice – and as a result she got renamed in the circle.Finally on in and to the circle by the pool where there were nibbles (with cheese this time) and of course beers.The circle was lead very competently by GM ass – Lerm “dominatrix” and a good time was had by all.All in all a great weekend! Hats off to the hares for organizing such a great ride and providing plenty of water stops and accommodation (especially Mo who when we found that the owner of our hotel had gone off with our room key came over to our resort to try and sort it out).